Too Much is Never Enough

Too much is never enough

It’s without a shadow of a doubt that I went into the new year feeling low. This became blindly apparent when a friend of mine shouted with glee ‘this year is my year! I’m so excited!‘. Was this going to be ‘my year‘? She read my facial expression and offered a ‘…aren’t you?‘.

Honestly? No, not really

Standing outside of the pub on the curb of dusk, I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Saying it outloud to other people confirmed that I’m not just in a funk or having an off week. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

Previously this kind of sentiment really excited me. I would get a kick out of it. A thrill. But being in the same place for almost 4 years, still not able to drive, still living with my parents and still not saving nearly enough. Suddenly weeks of mindlessly watching (and rewatching) Friends, the occasional buzz of a notification : ‘It’s so so’s birthday that you haven’t spoken to for 6 years, wish them well!’ and lax scrolling through the Christmas sales had hit me : I’m not going anywhere if I’m standing still.

* Cue a spiralling weekend of alcohol & tears *

Maybe I hadn’t been brutally honest with myself for a very long time. That’s the risk if you choose to be constantly busy, distracting yourself and don’t take conscious time to reflect.

After lengthy conversations with Devs, my dad and the boy some of the fog was clearing. The heaviness wasn’t something that carrying alone now. I wasn’t hiding. I spent a day clearing out storage in my room, stripping out the cupboards of old dried up craft supplies, getting rid of cracked eye pallets from 2011 and packing away dusty faux fur coats under the bed (only to be brought out again for the next fancy dress costume). There was something about the physical organization that was doing something good for my brain. It felt a little like progress.

This episode had undoubtedly tripped, grazed knees and winded me. It made me forget that I am capable and valid. To set goals and fall short has always felt like there isn’t enough air in my lungs. There’s a light headed dizziness when I approach a deadline. The darker voices scream ‘I’m inadequate’, but I know better. I know that now.

The next steps for me is to stop talking about what I’m going to do about it, about this mood, this feeling, this heaviness, and actually do something about it. Granted, finally talking to people about this has been so good. It had felt like a reservoir inside me was slowly getting filled up until finally the dam couldn’t hold it anymore. Letting go of keeping it together is somehow freeing, and yet, there is still a gripping sense of  ‘so what now?’.

Let’s see where this takes me.

Soundtrack :






Decorate These Hands With Rings and Scars


I’ve been told before that your first hand shake with someone determines your relationship with that person. I wouldn’t say that’s nessecarily true, albeit that I rarely shake hands with people and when I do I immediately follow it with ‘God, that’s a bit weird / old fashioned / sorry I’m clammy’.  So maybe I’m not the best person to ask.

On the rare occasion I do shake hand with a stranger and breach the unspoken social quarantine, they usually comment on my rings.

I love these rings. I they are my collection of immediate inspiration. On one hand I have delicate silver band: one half way up my wedding finger  probably from H&M (It’s a miracle it’s not turned a gross shade of green yet) and one on my middle finger, a silver band B gave me. Its got a verse engraved into it :  ‘perfect love casts out fear‘ and there hasn’t been a day I haven’t worn it since she gave it to me in the little grey box with a grin on her face (okay, maybe once when I lost it in a tangle of washing and it slipped off. ONE TIME). I like this ring, it reminds me that when you do things and actually mean it, tiny earthquakes ripple around you (and with the brain of a small fruit fly, I need reminding of that sometimes).

My other hand, my right hand man if you will, is unmistakably taken over by Keef, the skull on my first finger. Named after my one true love and icon Keith Richards. Richards is a fucking raconteur, a vagabond, a pirate. A man of many fantastic coats and 70s wonders. When I need outfit inspiration, I google him. When I need a story-teller, I read the book. Some level of intense ‘hav it / fuck the system‘ comes over me when I wear this ring.

In the same way christian teens wear the WWJD bracelets, I wear this ring. Okay, so I’m not doing lines off a groupies lower back, but you get the jist.

Last summer I wandered round the Rolling Stones exhibition and found a portrait of Keith Richards wearing the same skull ring. SERIOUSLY. Either, we have great taste, or this is some super natural madness going down. I was grinning like an idiot.


I’m a maker and creator – I get that from my parents. I design things and put them together. I’ve got scars from where I’ve misjudged exactly where a Stanley knife is going through a piece of board and landed somewhere on the geography of my hand. Ink stains, biro scribbles (complete with notes for the aforementioned sieve brain) and paper cuts. My hands are my tools.


They are where I show my nerves too. It’s been said to me a few times that I’m a pretty calm person, even when I’m stressed. But I have tell tale signs. Subtle, but obvious. Raw, they are like beacons burning for someone to sort out my problem or life if i’m feeling particularly sorry for myslef. The week before I took all these photos had been testing; I thought ‘I can’t photograph my hands, I will look like a savage’.

But that’s the point isn’t it? People are going to meet you and make assumptions on who you are based upon your handshake, face or savagery, and you’re just going to have to roll with it.


Photos by the lovely Amy

Sountrack : Czech One – King Krule 

J U N E 

Don’t say I didn’t warn you with the video content. This month, I essentially strapped my camera to my hand and recorded  e v e r y t h i n g. Which was probably annoying and invasive for everyone else, but hey, it’s not 2017 if you can’t document every waking moment.

At the start of the month we headed to Field Day and fell deeply in love with Killer Mike and Whitney (not on the same stage might I add), tried to cram ourselves in to Aphex Twin in the Barn only to get caught in the rain, wander the festival and bump into my brother and his friends. The festival itself was pretty tame, we spent hours just milling about, on the outskirts of stages never really getting in too deep. These days I usually resign myself from the throes of a grown man mosh pit, but somehow thought that Death Grips would be a good idea. We weren’t even close to the central mosh pit and had a near death experience. It was sweaty, and needless to say, I don’t think I need to be at a gig of their’s any time soon.

I popped over to Amy’s on the hottest day of the year to film a mini summer lookbook. In hindsight it, it wasnt the smartest decision, as we almost passed out in the heat, but it looks damn good. Check it out here!

June also saw a few beach based weekends. One family trip to Selsey fuelled by very expensive bar tabs, walks along the pebbles and terrible terrible tribute acts (Yeah, I didnt know being a Peter Kay impersonator was a thing either). And another weekend trip to Whitstable; The boy and I rented a pretty little air bnb just off the beachfront and essentially ate our way through the weekend (just saying, the best fish and chips can be found at Ossie’s) and rolled ourselves home on the sunday evening. I can tell you now, the monday blues were pretty horrendous.

I thought I’d include a little favourites section in this post. I’ve been seriously loving these awkward length culotte trousers from Oasis. The side slit makes these my go-to summer trouser for hot days – and they look sassy af. My make-up must have for the month was the Urban Decay Razor Sharp Liquid Liner in Perversion (that’s black to you and me). This is the life proof  liquid eyeliner I’ve fallen in love with; it lasts me all day, all night and comes off like a dream when I need it to. What more could you want? My last favourite makes me feel a bit giddy whenever I look at them, it’s these plastic glasses. I have them in almost every colour (and a double of the pink pair, because, you know, emergencies). I am the embodiment of greed and excessive hoarding, and I look great doing it.

So that wraps up the month. It’s honestly felt like I’ve not stopped and I’m now seriously skint and counting down the minutes until pay day, but its been totally worth it. If you fancy a too-hot-to-move heatwave soundtrack, here’s what I’ve been listening to this month to get me through (spotify playlist)

Let me know what you’ve been up to this month and what i should be listening to next!

PS. It’s my birthday next month, so get the glitter out


Playlist : M A Y

Scan 3

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s been a busy month: Putting out 2 podcast episodes into the world, seeing the boy play his first gig with his new band (and obviously planning embarrassing merch ideas), along with copious amounts of alcohol to ‘get my life together’ and catch up with all the muppets I’ve missed because I’ve  been inside for too long. May has been good to me.

Admittedly,  I’ll chuck loads of tracks on a playlist and filter them as I listen to see if they work with the mood, but somehow I just couldn’t filter this month. As the days rolled on the songs just worked. The playlist is eclectic.

Listen to M A Y here : Spotify

P . S . I’ve just watched Lucy Moon’s 168 Hours and something about it has really made me want to film more. Maybe it’s her nostalgic aesthetic (which literally makes me drool btw). And at the risk of sounding like a wannabe, I want to create things like that. It’s personal and still has distance and tells the story. Count this as your warning for more video based content. ek?

Scan 4


The Podcast : Ep 2


This is the difficult second album, I mean, podcast episode.

Our questionable judgement has lead us to think that releasing Dev’s imaginary wedding plans into the world is a good idea. Okay, so it’s not a good idea, but it’s real funny.

Have a listen here : Soundcloud

Have a topic you want us to talk about? tweet me @teefygrins

Find Devs here : @simplydevsblog 


Playlist : A P R I L


April saw a shift in what I was listening to. I went by the mantra of ‘if I can’t imagine driving in the sun on the way down to the beach listening to it, it’s not going on the playlist‘ – also in conjunction with my imaginary driving licence and imaginary car. As always, I’ve got my head in the clouds.

Regardless, I dug out these photos of B and I on a funfair ride from last year when we were burnt, giddy and windswept, and looking forward to summer. It’s sums up an optimistic April playlist.

Listen to sunny, silly songs here : Spotify


B can be found here : instagram


The Podcast : Ep 1

FH000004It’s happened.  You can now hear the sultry tones (and multitude of cackle laughs) of myself and co-host Devs through the medium of a podcast

Episode one delves into our dark pasts…and Dev’s deep deep love of Nick Jonas.

Devs can be found here : Twitter or Blog (she’s great, check out her rambling)


Spoilers : this is the infamous cocktail cruise ticket.